The year 2020 will be memorialized in textbooks. Still, no one will remember it nostalgically. Every person is now eagerly looking forward to refreshing the calendar more than ever before, despite the unlikelihood of getting a New Year’s kiss this year. Premeditated PDA won’t make January 1st feel any more fulfilling, so why is the impending absence of someone to kiss bothering anyone?

Most people only tolerate the idea of Christmas shopping. Fewer enjoy the actual act of gift buying, and only a small percentage consider themselves cool, calm, collected, AND successful gift-givers. I don’t care what anyone says: receiving an extraordinary gift serves as an aphrodisiac in a relationship. Christmas morning can abruptly escalate from unwrapping presents to unwrapping a condom – an intense, capitalism-fueled passion. Regardless of your moral vendetta against the fashion industry, you can support Bernie Sanders and still appreciate the excitement of receiving an item that doesn’t require a desperate rescue mission for the receipt.

When you’re intoxicated with dopamine, it blurs emotions and judgment. People can easily convince themselves to be in love as quickly as they snap out of it during the taxi ride home, damning themselves to relationship hell. Anyone who’s blurted a premature “I love you” and received a “thank you,” knows this all too well. Did I really say that? Did they hear me? Do I even love them?…

One hell of an on-going pandemic and seven months later: salons resume performing God’s work, restaurants approach re-opening indoors, companies demand employees commute their masked-up asses back to the office, and a new, new normal emerges. Sweatpants and slogan T-shirts are no longer a forgivable offense, so why are you still wearing outfits Mom picked out in college? It’s time to impress with more than your occupation.

In the land of capitalism, consumption is second nature, and moderation often takes a backseat to pleasure. Americans struggle with excess from food portions to social media usage, even abusing wellness to an extreme. Unsurprisingly, addiction thrives in our society, and hypersexuality thrusts between ambition and obsession. Admitting to binging Netflix will doubtfully inspire an intervention, but can indulging in too much porn be harmful?

Most of us prefer sex with dim to no lighting for the same reason that we kiss with our eyes closed. Self-awareness hinders physical pleasure, and it’s easier to feel good without the burden of looking good. It is why pornstars exude confidence absent even in the average celebrity. Because who else can feel that comfortable broadcasted, in the origami of positions and motions, naked?

No amount of porn watched or Cosmopolitan read will make you an expert on women. Regardless of gender, understanding someone mentally requires getting to know them. Knowing how to pleasure a person demands practice – trial, and error, if you will. That’s why the execution of “friends with benefits” often fails: men ask the wrong questions, and women fixate on the love, more often than not, because the lust is lacking.

Naturally, men are threatened by anyone that can make their girlfriends cum faster than they can. Only once entering a more serious, honest relationship do many discover that their biggest competitor requires batteries.